Now that I think about it, I probably should have paid more attention to myself after chasing down and killing the insane Vscikan. Warning signs have been popping up for weeks, maybe months now. Depression, irritability, anger, avoidance, self imposed isolation, reckless self endangerment… they told me what to watch for. I was just too deep in to see it, and nobody bothered to catch me when I fell.
Tonight I screwed up everything, maybe forever. I punched Ferris, more than once. The reactivation of my Star Fleet commission went away, which was good because it never should have been reactivated (they promised), but I might have lost a whole lot more with it.
He had to have read my psych evals. My private, confidential, medical-staff-only psych evals. It doesn’t excuse what I did, but he knew precisely down to the finest details which sore spots to press on in my mind, and I cracked big time, and I completely lost it. He came looking for a fight, but that still doesn’t make me right, so now it’s six years of therapy and who knows what else down the tubes.